So You Want To Be King Of Hell?
by Novelist Pup
Summary: This story is the epic tale of when canon died, and it's all Naruto's fault. Seriously. [SasuNaru][AU]
1. So you're pregnant and a guy?

**So You Want To Be King Of Hell?**

_AKA, the effect of too much Disgaea_

This is the second most insane yet enticing idea for a fanfic I've ever had (the first being Low-Wage Worth). I'm taking the entire Naruto world and throwing them…into HELL (literally!).

And you know what's worst?

A lot, but I'm not going to get into that. Yet, the one thing worst than this idea is what I'm going to do to poor Arashi first. In THIS chapter, you will cry, you will vomit, and you will stab at your monitor as a futile attempt to stab at me.

Ha! Have fun!

**The Entire Damn Summary This Damn Site Wouldn't Let Me Use: **So, you want to be king of Hell? But you're stuck in a team of messed-up misfits, your dopey dad is dead, you're half fox, and you don't know how to use your weapon of ultimate destruction. Ha, have fun.

**Dedication: **To Kativa-chan, since she thinks I can write SasuNaru despite how I know I can't, and because I love her. And to Determined, because she rocks my hell-bound world!

**Disclaimer (for the whole damn fic): I own not Naruto, I don't want Sasuke, and I sure as hell don't need your damn pity for what I don't have (kidding! Shower me with pity if you want!) **

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Chapter One: _So you're pregnant and a guy?_ **

Once upon a time, in a land deep, deep, _deep_ under ground, there was a little place called _Hell_.

Scary, yeah?

Well it _shouldn't_ be, after all, you've never been there and you don't have a first person account of what goes on there, now _do you_?

Thought not, now on with the story.

In Hell, it was very hot, considering its closeness (by closeness I mean _inside_) the earth's core. And since it was very hot, it was also very chaotic because there was only one air conditioner in the place and that was in the king's castle. Many a times did the demons and denizens of darkness beg for entrance to the castle so that they'd be allowed to cool off for a bit. And each time, the guards would scoff and write them off with one simple statement.

"Oh suck _it_ up!"

And the king watched this with piteous eyes. He wondered day and night, if you could tell the difference in the dark fiery pit of HELL, what he could do to help his people.

"What can I do to help my people?" He asked. A tall white-haired demon sighed in exasperation next to him.

"Arashi, are you beginning to care again?" The demon asked, stretching his large, leathery, jet black wings. King Arashi nodded forlornly and the demon growled in frustration.

"Oh for whatever's sake, you shouldn't be giving a care right now! I mean, dude, they're _demons_, they should be used to the heat by now!" He snapped. King Arashi pouted and poked at the demon's chest.

"Yes Jiraiya, but summer is approaching, and everyone's restless towards whether or not we shall get rain this year." King Arashi explained. Jiraiya was shocked and stumped speechless, seriously. King Arashi sighed once more and looked out the window of his French designed Gothic castle only to see another demon be rejected for some coolness.

"What ever can I do?" He asked again aloud. Jiraiya glared at him and began to study his long claws.

"How about kill yourself, and then we'll see where we get from there." He growled. King Arashi laughed.

"Oh Jiraiya, you're so funny!" He exclaimed and Jiraiya laughed sarcastically.

"Ha he ho, how about you laugh with these nuts in your mouth?" He muttered. King Arashi's super keen hearing (brought on by his pointy ears) caught what he said and he looked disapprovingly at his former teacher.

"What did you say?" He asked. Jiraiya stared at him like he was stupid, which wasn't too far off the mark.

"I said: How about you laugh with peanuts in your mouth? Are you deaf?" He retorted. King Arashi chuckled good naturedly and Jiraiya groaned at the absurdity of it all.

And then entered Count Orochimaru.

"King Arashi, I couldn't help but get utterly annoyed with all your grating whining for pitiful useless demons so I came up here with a solution." Orochimaru explained. King Arashi was awed and Jiraiya was amazed that the dull-witted king didn't catch the blatant insult to his intelligence.

"Really? May you please tell me, Count Orochimaru?" King Arashi asked excitedly. Orochimaru smirked in his sly manner and nodded.

"Deep in the crevices of Hell, there is a group of demons called the Youkai. One of those demons will have the answer to your problem, his name is Kyuubi. Go to him, and fix your problem so we won't have to listen to your annoying whining _anymore_!" Orochimaru said, and King Arashi nodded excitedly. Jiraiya looked at his partner incredulously, but the black-haired demon just winked and held a finger to his lips.

"Okay Count Orochimaru! I'm off to fix my problem! Take care of the castle for me!" King Arashi announced suddenly, spending his wings to their full length (and effectively smacking Jiraiya in the process). He jumped out the window and soared across the evil and morbid terrain.

"Why didn't you tell him what Kyuubi usually wants in exchange for a solution?" Jiraiya asked Orochimaru warily. The other demon shrugged.

"It's funnier this way."

"I love you so much right now dude, seriously."

"_I_ love me right now, so I can understand."

-----**H+E+L+L**-----

King Arashi's large black wings flapped smoothly as he dwelled deeper into Hell. He looked curiously at the sleazy hotels and orphanages that littered the streets and shrugged it off as something he'd deal with later. Coming up to a huge black demonic seeming building, he got the feeling he reached the right place.

No, it wasn't the large blaring neon sign that said "YOUKAI". Do you think he's observant or something?

The demon king folded his wings back to his back and walked inside the building. Despite expecting an even darker internal area, like that human-world game he loved (Devil May Cry 3, he may have been slow, but at least he had good taste), he was greeted with a white, impeccably clean lobby, with a secretary and everything!

"Thank you for choosing Youkai Interprises for all your sinful and demented needs. My name is Sasori, how may I help you this moment?" Sasori, as it seemed, asked in a monotone and deep voice. King Arashi tapped on his chin in a pensive manner and grinned.

"I'd like to see a 'Kyuubi', for I have a problem that I'd like to get solved," said the demon king. Sasori's eyes widened and the happiest gleam came into his eyes.

"Of course sir! I'll let you in right away!" Sasori exclaimed, somehow still in monotone, and slammed the red button next to him. "Please go onto that elevator and press nine."

"What does nine look like?" King Arashi asked immediately. The gleam in Sasori's eyes dimmed.

"Like an upside-down six?" He answered.

"But what does a six look like?" Sasori twitched.

"Can't you count?" He questioned. King Arashi shrugged.

"Not in the least. I'm the king of Hell, I don't need to count." He said. Sasori sighed and pointed in the direction of the elevator.

"You know what? Just press whichever button suits your fancy. If I'm lucky, you might kill yourself." The redhead demon muttered. King Arashi chuckled on his way to the elevator.

"Oh I never knew my citizens were so darn funny!" And he walked away for the metal contraption. A long-haired blond popped up from his spot underneath the desk.

"Why didn't you tell him what Kyuubi wants when he solves a problem, yeah?" The demon asked. Sasori grinned.

"It's funnier this way. Now Deidara, it's time for you to get back to work. It isn't going to suck itself, now is it?" Sasori commanded. Deidara grinned and made a fake salute.

"Yes sir, yeah!"

-----**H+E+L+L-----**

King Arashi did exactly what the nice and funny secretary had told him to do. He randomly pushed a button and hoped for the best. The first three times he had ended up in various rooms with a few demons. Rokubi, Gobi, and Nibi, their names were.

And finally, he reached what looked like Kyuubi's office. Walking out the elevator jubilantly, the blond demon skipped to the big, pretty mahogany desk with a backwards business chair facing him.

"Good whatever-the-fuck-time-it-is-now, what have you come to the Kyuubi for?" A deep sultry voice asked from the other side of the chair. King Arashi scratched the back of his head and smiled dopily. Like always.

"I'm trying to get my problem solved, and my advisor pointed me out to you!" said the demon king. The chair swiveled around and King Arashi blinked as a long red haired demon with blood red wings and fox ears instead of pointy ones leered at him.

"Really, then tell me your problem," Kyuubi said, grinning perversely. King Arashi smiled back at him, all too unaware towards what Kyuubi _really_ wanted.

"Well, I want my people to be happier with their lack-o-lives, but to do that I need something that would help them cool off effectively." He explained. Kyuubi looked sympathetic and nodded.

"Cute _and_ noble, I like that. All right, I'll solve your problem, free of charge!" Kyuubi said, leering again. King Arashi clapped his hands together and squealed.

"_Real_ly, you'd do that for me? Thank you so much Mister Kyuubi!" King Arashi exclaimed. Kyuubi almost creamed himself, but held back as he reached into a desk drawer and pulled something out. He handed it to the demon king, who accepted it with a confused face.

"What do I do with this contraption?" The blond demon asked, fiddling with the thin paper object. Kyuubi chuckled.

"Its called a _fan_ and it's very effective in cooling off!" Kyuubi said. King Arashi made an 'o' with his mouth (which Kyuubi found to be the perfect shape for whatever was going through his sick demented head) and grinned. But then he frowned.

"Yet I need enough of these for all of my citizens though…" He pouted, making Kyuubi's eyes roll to the back of his head as he practically drooled at the situation. The fox demon grinned at him lecherously and got up from his desk, stretching his wings to make him look much more threatening. And sexy, which wasn't required because for whatever's sake he was KYUUBI.

"I can get you enough to help all of your citizens, TENFOLD, and all you have to do is one simple thing for me," Kyuubi began, stepping closer to King Arashi. The demon king nodded frivolously and grabbed Kyuubi's surprisingly soft hand.

"I'll do _anything!_"

That was the biggest mistake of the idiot king's life.

Later that day/night/what-the-fuck-ever, King Arashi was soaring through the skies with an aching ass. He crash landed onto the top of his castle, and stood up woozily only to fall over on the roof. The demon rolled down and would've fallen to his repeated death if it weren't for Jiraiya's instincts. Which he hated more than he hates Orochimaru's poetry.

And Orochimaru's poetry _sucks_.

"Yo, brat! Are you all right!" Jiraiya asked, shaking the poor demon's body more for kicks than to see if he was healthy. King Arashi opened his eyes and smiled.

"Hey…Jiraiya?"

"Yeah brat?"

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"I just save more than 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico…"

And the king passed out. Jiraiya blinked confused.

"What's a Geico? In fact, what the fuck is a _car_?"

-----**H+E+L+L-----**

"Arashi, you're kinda pregnant." Tsunade said as she slapped some gloves onto her clawed hands. Jiraiya and Orochimaru shared a secret high-five as King Arashi gaped.

"I'm pregnant?" He asked slowly. Tsunade nodded.

"Pretty much."

"There is an infant in my stomach?"

"Kickin' like a soccer player."

"And I'm going to be okay?"

"Not in the least, the moment this baby is born, your body won't be able to handle it, and you will die. And despite being in Hell, you will not be coming back." Tsunade explained. King Arashi pouted and began to curse whoever got him pregnant.

Kyuubi sneezed as he masturbated idly.

"Right, so when the fledgling is born, will you tell Sarutobi to take over?" King Arashi requested. Orochimaru scowled.

"Why Sarutobi? Why not Orochimaru? Why can't the BLACK-haired guy rule Hell? Damn racists…" Orochimaru mumbled and muttered under his breath. Jiraiya smiled and patted his best friend's should in a reassuring way.

"Don't worry; he's going to die anyway."

And Orochimaru suddenly felt a little better.

"Oh, and when the fledgling is born, can you also have Iruka of the Umino clan take care of him?" The demon king asked as well. Jiraiya nodded but frowned.

"Yeah, sure, but why him?"

"I'm having a sudden flash of canon, okay?"

"Damn, don't get pissy at _me_ Preggy!" Jiraiya growled. King Arashi looked shocked.

"How DARE you—"

"How dare I what? Tell the facts? Dude, you are PREGNANT, you are a FREAK of NATURE, and you must LIVE with it! Well, not as much live with it anymore, 'cuz we all know what's going to happen soon!" Jiraiya said, sharing another secret high five with Orochimaru. Tsunade held up her hand and they high five'd her too.

"But I still love ya kid." Jiraiya said, ruffling the demon king's hair. King Arashi smiled.

"Okay, I'd like some time by myself right now." He announced. The three much older demons shared equal grins and walked out slowly. And before the last of the trio, Orochimaru, closed the door, he smirked and looked at the king with amusement.

"Goodbye… King Preggers…"

-----**H+E+L+L-----**

"So…that's how I was born?" A blond demon with large black wings and a long fox tail narrowed his bright blue eyes. His teacher nodded with an uncertain grin, scratching the back of his brown haired head.

"Yeah, I didn't really know how to break it to you Naruto…" Iruka said. Naruto scoffed and scratched his naked chest idly. Normally male demons wore a tunic, but Naruto rejected that idea immediately. All he wore was his long tattered cloth that wrapped around his waist and reached down to his clawed toes.

"I really don't care, except what does all of that have to do with the exam coming up?" He asked with a canine poking out of his mouth. Iruka sighed.

"Well, your idiotic father left you a weapon for when you prepare for the exams, and I wanted you to at least know how you came into being before you go off and kill yourself. The blond fledgling chuckled.

"All right, I don't understand in the least, but hey, a weapon. Gimme."

"It isn't that simple Naruto…"

"Aw fuck! A cliffhanger!"

**Indeed Naruto, a cliffhanger **_**just**_** for you! **

**END CHAPTER ONE**

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I hope the first chapter of this insanity induced crap was okay. I'm almost proud of it, in a sick and demented way. 


	2. So your team sucks major?

So it seems that the few people who read it actually liked it, which makes me happy in return. I never really give up on a fanfic (unless it's really, _really_ bad, then you can say bye-bye to that), so don't think I suddenly stopped working on everything else.

It isn't true.

Oh, and you are all going to totally hate me for what I'm going to do to Sasuke and Sakura. I'm serious; you might want to punch out your monitor now, because you're going to want to do it later.

**

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**_**So your team sucks major?**_

Iruka of the Umino clan coughed into his fist as he stared into his pupil's eyes.

"Naruto, I can not relieve the weapon to you until your final test in the exam," he explained. Naruto rolled his blue-eyes and pouted.

"Whole damn place is against me…" he muttered. The older demon chuckled and waved his hand at Naruto.

"Don't worry, all you have to do is not suck during the exams and you'll get it easily!" Iruka assured. Naruto grinned and stood up, stretching his body as he began walking out of his teacher's house/cave/evil thing.

"Don't worry Iruka! I'll have that sword in _no_ time!" The fledgling exclaimed, and flew away as soon as he got out the door. Iruka kept waving with a smile on his face, and as soon as Naruto left, the smile and the hand dropped.

"He is going to fail like WHOA."

-----**H+E+L+L-----**

Naruto soared through the skies, masterfully weaving through the general traffic that stretched across Hell. He smirked as the large building that screamed (literally) "DEMON ACADEMY" came into view.

"Super powerful weapon of mass destruction, here I come!" he shouted and swooped down to the school, artistically crashing into the tinted window of his classroom. He jumped up and brushed all of the broken glass off his body and glanced at all of his fellow classmates who stared at him in avid disbelief.

"What?" he asked. The teacher, Ebisu, was gap-mouthed until he popped a vessel, or whatever denizens of darkness do.

"YOU! Why the **fuck** would you crash through a window when the **fucking** door is right **fucking** there!" he screeched as he pointed at the innocent looking door.

But nothing is innocent in Hell.

"I was in a hurry." Naruto explained. Ebisu lunged at him to grip at his throat, but suddenly a poof was heard and a hand stopped him.

"I suggest you don't try to kill a living undead student. Seriously." The new demon said, idly reading an orange book as Ebisu ceased his struggling. Naruto smirked and patted Ebisu on the head.

"Thanks E-Dog!" And he practically flew to his seat. Ebisu calmed down and fixed his dark blue tunic in a show of snootiness. Asshole.

"Class, I'd like to introduce you to Kakashi of the Hatake clan," Ebisu began, but was immediately cut off by various "Oooh"s and "Ahhh"s and "Is he single?"s. Kakashi grinned from the black cloth that covered his mouth and scratched at the scar on his left eye, the _red_ eye.

"Hey, do you have some alcohol?" The silver-haired demon asked. Ebisu looked at him from underneath his dark glasses.

"What kind? Rum, whiskey, wine, wine coolers?" he replied. A student in the back piped up.

"Jack Daniels? Captain Morgan's? Budweiser?" he suggested. A brown-haired fledgling with red triangles under his slit eyes raised his hand.

"How about Smirnoff Ice? Or maybe some Vodka?" he offered. Kakashi scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"I meant rubbing alcohol." The entire class groaned, putting all of their various bottle and cans of liquor back into their bags and Ebisu threw the needed alcohol into the taller demon's hands.

"Thanks!" And he dumped the entire bottle into his left eye. Everyone, even Naruto, stared at the event in absolute horror. Kakashi blinked and glared at the entire class, the alcohol dumped eye a neon red.

"Am I scary yet?" he asked. Everyone nodded in rapid subsequence, and Kakashi's face cloth wrinkled around his mouth as he grinned.

"Good, now I have a much higher chance of you brats listening to me! Okay, I am Kakashi. I am a protractor in the upcoming exams, and I have been sent here to set up your teams since I lost a bet. Does everyone understand this?" The silver-haired demon said. All of the students nodded and Kakashi studied the class with cold eyes, despite his smiling mask(?).

"Okay role call!" He exclaimed, taking the scorched paper from Ebisu. Naruto had an edgy feeling as the freaky demon began to smirk (or thought he did, that face cloth kinda blocked a lot of face) evilly as he read the paper.

"All right, I've all ready thought of your groups, and if you complain, I'm going to make sure your pathetic undead-yet-dead lived are a living HELL." Kakashi purred. A pink-haired fledgling spoke up.

"But we're already IN Hell, like right now!" he said. Kakashi sighed.

"What's your name?" he asked, a gleam coming into his eyes. The fledgling blinked.

"Sakura of the Haruno clan." he said. Kakashi grinned.

"Well, Sakura, you are now in a team with the stupid blond and that emo-looking fledgling in the back!" And he cackled evilly as everyone, even Ebisu, gasped in shock.

Had this madman truly just put Naruto of the Uzumaki clan on the same team as Sasuke of the Uchiha clan?! Well, yes, he just did. Happily, in fact. I mean, look at him! He's laughing at the poor demon's torture RIGHT NOW! Why? Because he's a complete asshole, that's why.

You see, now I have to start another story so you can understand what was so special about Sasuke.

**-----H+E+L+L-----**

Once upon a time… aw fuck this.

Sasuke had a brother, an elite demon by the name of Itachi.

Itachi was a complete bitch, and killed his entire clan, save Sasuke, just to prove it.

And Sasuke went through a traumatic experience, tried to kill Itachi, blah, blah, blah, whatever. Yet, then the former King Sarutobi had what would be considered inhumane actions done to Sasuke.

That's right, the poor fledgling was chained. As in, there is an unbreakable leather collar around his neck with a chain connected to it, the chain wrapping around his wings and arms so that he was rendered immobile except for his pretty legs.

Those chains are _still there_ to this day.

And when he asked "Why?" all the bastard demon did was shrug and smile.

"Preemptive measures."

**-----H+E+L+L-----**

"I'm _not_ fucking emo!" Sasuke snapped as he tried to get up and shake his fist at the protractor, but couldn't really, you know, _do_ that. Chains and all.

"Uh huh, sure you aren't. Now, Dopey and Pinky, go sit with your kinky teammate." Kakashi commanded. Sakura moved grudgingly and Naruto practically skipped to his new partners. As soon as they all got accustomed, Sakura glanced at them both nervously.

"Uh, hi?" He greeted. Naruto leered.

"Hi yourself, sweetheart." he purred. Sakura winced.

"Uh, I'm a guy…" he said. Naruto looked devastated for a moment before grinning again.

"Don't worry babe, I'm not too picky…" The blond cooed. He felt something kick at him and he turned to the black-haired demon next to him. The other demon glared heatedly and Naruto smirked.

"Oh, did you want some too?" Sasuke kicked him again.

"If you even _try_ to give me any, I will kill you very, _very_ dead." Naruto smirked so hard his eyes began to squint, I guess. It was kinda hard to tell, since his eyes were closed almost all the time. Seriously. How does he get around if he's practically _blind_?!

"C'mon, can you honestly look me in the eye and reject a slice of this cake? Because you've gotta admit, I _am_ pretty sweet." Naruto, always the flirt. Let us watch and see if he catches his prey.

Sasuke smirked evilly and leaned his head close to the blond fledgling.

"I don't like sweet things."

Naruto gasped in shock, for he had never been rejected with so much class before. It was a new experience for him. Normally he was rejected violently or with an insult, but so much _class_ had never been in a let-down before.

"Sexy, chained up, _and_ sauve! Call me McDonald's, because I'm lovin' it!" Naruto said seductively. Sasuke rolled his eyes and Sakura coughed into his fist.

"FAIL." The pink-haired demon stated. Naruto frowned.

"Fail? What about my score?"

"Trust me, there IS no score." Naruto cursed. Suddenly, a loud "AHERM" was heard as Kakashi loomed over them, his eye still gleaming red.

"Can any of you brats tell _me_ what I just told _you_?" the teacher asked, his mask preventing any real assessment of expression. Naruto opened his mouth, but Sakura slapped his hand over the blonde's mouth, and Sasuke glared.

"You were speaking in bullshit, a language we aren't exactly fluent in," he sniped. Naruto and Sakura stared at Sasuke in shock before slowly turning to Kakashi, who didn't look happy. Or did he? Nobody knew.

"Ooo, so Emoriffic has a mouth on him, hmm? Funny, since I could easily punch you and you wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it!" Kakashi mused. Sasuke rolled his eyes and leaned closer to the older demon.

"I'm sorry, what was that? I don't speak dumbass, so you've got to speak my language instead," he said. Kakashi narrowed his eyes at him and crossed his arms.

"_Your_ language? What's that? Fuckwad? Or is it cripple?"

"_Diss_!" Naruto whispered. Sakura covered his mouth and watched fearfully as sparks flew between Kakashi and Sasuke. Naruto flinched as a few of the electric shocks flew towards him and hit him on his torso.

And then Kakashi's eyes smiled (wtf).

"You pass the first .5 percent of the test!"

**What will happen to our young heroes/villians? In fact, what just happened **_**now**_**? Will Kakashi pwn them to Earth and back? Will Sasuke eat a slice of that sexy cake called Naruto? Will Sakura be a woman again? Will I ever stop killing canon? …Probably not, but stay tuned for the next canon-killing, cracktastic, cutthroat, completely lame, comedy-less, cancer-inducing chapter of "So You Want To Be King of Hell?"!**

**END CHAPTER TWO**

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Writing this is the epitome of my day.

It's so much fun to think of lame jokes and stupid plot twists THAT YOU DIDN'T SEE COMING.

(Bam!)

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING DID YOU? Nope, you didn't.


End file.
